Mommy, Wow! We’re Big Kids Now! (We’ve Moved…)

Friends, Family, Stalkers:

The moment has finally come. For those of you who’ve been with us since we first launched here on wordpress (which amounts to me, Kent, and our parents), you may remember that we originally called it “The Talking Mirror’s Transitional Home.” That’s because we never intended to be on wordpress.com permanently. And finally, thanks to some generous help from our good friend Isaac, we have a legitimate website at a legitimate domain: www.thetalkingmirror.com

So, if you’re prone to reminiscing or romanticizing the past, you can keep coming back here to the wordpress.com site. Maybe browse through some articles that you love, remembering where you were, who you were with, or the food and drink you spat out all over your laptop when you laughed. We encourage you to remember the good old days. And, moreover, we encourage you to remember us as funnier and better looking than we actually are. They’re your memories, why not make them better than crappy reality? It’s just an idea. However, you can also thumb through those magical memories over at the new site, as all of the old content is there including your comments from days past.

Kent and I are quite happy to finally be moving over to a legitimate site. It’s been a long time coming, as many of my friends can attest, having heard me piss and moan about it for months. The new site delivers a sleeker look, more pictures, easier navigation, and some new features still to come. A little preview: a word that starts with “V” and rhymes with “schmideo.” And we’re also planning on peddling merchandise to you, likely at prices that will make us millionares.

So, if you want any new content you’re going to have to go there. This wordpress site will now be ignored like the uglier, dumber child that it is.

Thanks to everyone that has been a part of The Talking Mirror so far. We look forward to bringing you sardonic, hyperbolic, semi-offensive content forever and ever, Amen.

Patriotically,

Conor and Kent

NEWS!: Students Protest the Rise of Student Protests

Following a recent US News and World Report survey tracking the rise of campus activism, many Christian college students have taken to the streets to protest the “unchristianly divisive” practice of student protesting. Whether it’s global warming, global poverty, or African AIDS, left-swinging students can’t seem to get enough dissension on campus.

Christians, like Mary Davies, just can’t understand this derision. “Why can’t students accept the world the way God created it?” asks Davies, a library fiend and senior at Calvin. “Are we really to think that our plans for creation, or the poor, are better than God’s?”

Some News in Review

Today we’re going to cover a story that literally made me laugh out loud, and then uncontrollably respond with this statement: It’s about damn time.

A man in South Philadelphia shot another man for talking during a movie.

See? You couldn’t help but smile a little bit and wish you could covertly high five the shooter. Don’t lie to me. You feel a little vindicated. And let’s be clear – we here at The Talking Mirror don’t condone violence. Except in situations where it’s really funny or is obviously the best form of justice. This situation happens to qualify for both. He didn’t kill the guy, he just shot him in the arm. And he had yelled at him the whole time and had even “fired a warning shot,” which is to say he threw popcorn at the guy.

How many times have you secretly wished you could do the same thing to some idiot who wouldn’t shut the hell up? This is a safe place. Let’s be vulnerable. I myself have had a few extended fantasies involving doing violence to people who talk during movies or kick my chair. Would I ever act on those fantasies? Of course not, I’m a civilized person and I’m not sure my snarky humor would get me very far in prison. But honestly, if you’re watching a movie in South Philly and some dude behind you is getting real pissed about you talking…. Maybe you should shut your mouth. It’s South Philly. It’s practically a real life version of Grand Theft Auto. If you decide to pull the “it’s a free country” card, then you need to realize that you might get shot. It is a free country, and that gentleman chose to use his freedom to shoot you and then get arrested. Was the conversation really worth it? I hope so, dumbass.

75% Off, 100% Insane: A Word on Clearance Shopping

I have learned much in my first six months as a manager at a massive, multi-national retailer and most of it has little to do with running a retail establishment (I still know just more than nothing about that.)  A short list of the courses I have unwittingly audited could include: parent/child power struggles in a postmodern world, behavioral habits of non-high school graduates in the workplace, the creative ethics of America’s petty criminal class, and statistical correlations between discount vocabulary and purchasing trends.

While these are all fascinating studies, I’d like to spend our time today focusing on the fourth topic with special attention to the near-hypnotic effect the word “clearance” has on shoppers, particularly those of the female persuasion.

How to Cope with Being Alone on New Years Eve: A Guide

December 31st is upon us and with it comes an evening of binge drinking, bad decisions, and then the declaration of resolutions to never again make those bad decisions. Some of us will go to a bar or club. Some will attend a party at a friend’s residence. Some will sit alone on their couch while they weep and drink themselves into oblivion. Still, some others will spend the evening with their families, pretending that playing Monopoly: Star Wars Edition with the younger cousins is “seriously super fun” and truthlessly declaring that “really Mom, there’s no where I’d rather be than with my family on New Years.” We know you’re a liar, and so does Jesus. Who wouldn’t want to kiss someone at midnight rather than hug their crazy Aunt Janie and then listen for thirty minutes while she tells you how she’s not going to eat Little Debbies this year because they give her gas? We love you crazy Aunt Janie, but you’re overweight and I don’t like to think about the gaseous products of your digestive processes. I’d rather be kissing a babe. Or a girl that was “kind of cute.” Or – to reference Kent’s sexist article about rating women’s attractiveness – maybe even a “3” if the lights were real dim and I had a few glasses of bubbly in my belly. Sound desperate? Maybe. Let’s just say this recession has effected a lot of economies.