Posts Tagged ‘Self Help’

How to Cope with Being Alone on New Years Eve: A Guide

December 29, 2008

December 31st is upon us and with it comes an evening of binge drinking, bad decisions, and then the declaration of resolutions to never again make those bad decisions. Some of us will go to a bar or club. Some will attend a party at a friend’s residence. Some will sit alone on their couch while they weep and drink themselves into oblivion. Still, some others will spend the evening with their families, pretending that playing Monopoly: Star Wars Edition with the younger cousins is “seriously super fun” and truthlessly declaring that “really Mom, there’s no where I’d rather be than with my family on New Years.” We know you’re a liar, and so does Jesus. Who wouldn’t want to kiss someone at midnight rather than hug their crazy Aunt Janie and then listen for thirty minutes while she tells you how she’s not going to eat Little Debbies this year because they give her gas? We love you crazy Aunt Janie, but you’re overweight and I don’t like to think about the gaseous products of your digestive processes. I’d rather be kissing a babe. Or a girl that was “kind of cute.” Or – to reference Kent’s sexist article about rating women’s attractiveness – maybe even a “3” if the lights were real dim and I had a few glasses of bubbly in my belly. Sound desperate? Maybe. Let’s just say this recession has effected a lot of economies.happy-new-year-hat-4

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How to Cope with Being “Just Friends”: A Guide

December 2, 2008

This guide is going to be gender specific, but not because I’m sexist. That’s Kent, the other TTM founder/writer/bachelor extraordinaire. This guide is going to be gender specific because I am a dude, have always been a dude, and will always be a dude (barring some sort of horrifying punishment from God). I’m going to ASSume that this guide will be applicable to chicks too, but I’m sure that girl that put Kent in his place on that other article (Jen, you’re my hero!) will be able to tell me if I’m wrong or not. Here goes.

We’ve all been there before. There’s a girl. Let’s call her Michelle. That’s a hot name, but not like crazy, inaccessible hot. Michelle’s not just any girl. She’s smart, sweet, funny – gosh is she funny! – and caring. She’s an angel. When she came into your life, it’s like the sun was shining for the first time. And she’s a babe too, oh yes she is. She’s more beautiful than any woman you’ve ever seen, even in the movies or those Victoria’s Secret catalogs you stole from your sister. The two of you are inseparable. You hang out all the time, laughing, falling into piles of leaves, staring up at the stars as you talk about dreams of the future, and misreading each others signals and intentions. It’s just magical. You’re best friends, but you know that’s not all there is to it. Destiny put you two together when she sat next to you in math class/bumped into you at youth group/spilled a searing hot coffee on you at Starbucks, causing a piercing girl-scream to erupt from your mouth followed by an impressive repertoire of vulgarities. It was like something out of the movies; how could it end up as anything other than life-long love and the production of numerous fat, happy babies? You’re just biding your time until she looks longingly into your eyes and whispers “I want to know what love is. I want you to show me.” Oh man, how sweet that will be when it inevitably happens! But until then, how do you bide your time? (more…)

How to Cope with Being Obnoxiously in Love: A Guide

November 18, 2008

Isn’t love amazing? It really is. Nothing else like it. Not even drugs. It’s a rare and beautiful thing when you finally meet that special someone. Who knows where cupid struck you both with his arrow? Maybe you had a class together. Maybe you met through a friend. Maybe you met on Myspace. Whatever the medium upon which your personal Romeo and Juliet began (except without the mutual suicide!), I’m sure you’ve experienced just how hard it is to keep that fireball of romance to yourself. Luckily for you, we here at The Talking Mirror are in the self-help business and have come up with a guide just for you and your boo bear.*

Step One: Always Maintain Physical Contact
No matter what happens, never forget this step. Your love will explode into a dust of broken promises and insecurities you never knew you could have. Wherever you are, whatever you’re doing, whoever you’re with; none of it matters. The rule always applies. You must always be touching each other. It doesn’t have to be normal or even practical. It just has to be. Common examples:

The “arm around the waist even while walking, running, swimming, or sitting.” This is a pretty common choice amongst the love-stricken. Keep your arm around your lover’s waist no matter how inconvenient it may get, even as you try to run up the escalator or go through airport security. If you don’t, they will disappear instantly. Guaranteed. (more…)

How to Cope with Public Flatulence: A Guide

November 11, 2008

I was going to write a guide for coping with being hot, but I just couldn’t make it funny. So I went ahead with Plan B, which is always fart jokes. We here at The Talking Mirror try to shy away from potty humor. It’s too easy and immature, and everyone knows the only humor we write is highly intellectual and of the utmost maturity. We look at jokes like that and we say, “that’s just too small.” (That’s what she said! But, I mean, to you… Not to me. Booyah! – Kent) However, the other day someone requested that I write a guide to coping with public flatulence and I felt the deep, sincere need not to leave this person out in the darkness to wallow in the stinky humiliation of their public gasiness. Everyone has been there in some way, shape, or form. You’re in public or just around a group of people and… Uh oh, you just ripped loud, boisterous ass. If it hasn’t happened to you, it very well may happen to you in the future. I’m here to walk you through that process, not as a veteran – I’m not some kind of Loser McFartypants! – but as a wise sage that understands the weight of this hypothetical challenge.

Here’s the situation. You’re sitting in a restaurant, surrounded by friends, strangers, and multiple potential mates. You’re looking good, feeling good, acting good – you are good. Rocking and rolling, the cards are falling your way. But then, suddenly and without warning, you release an audible digestive fiesta. Everyone stops. What do you do? (more…)

How to Cope with Being a Douche Bag- A Response to “How to Cope with Being a Crazy Girlfriend”

November 3, 2008

This little piece of bitter vitriol was provided by Gretchen Hoffman. In addition to providing some man-bashing that the ladies out there can resonate with, she also keeps our site “genderly balanced” by editing many of our articles in order to satisfy the terms of Kent’s sexual harassment suit. Thanks Gretchen.

All girls have a touch of crazy. Absolutely. No girl who is honest with herself will ever deny that. As for males… I might argue that their adverse characteristic is a touch of douche bag. Maybe you have taken this to a new, more awesome level. Maybe you sometimes wonder about the black murkiness of your soul, but who honestly has time to ask WWJD? You are what you are, so here is a coping guide for your special brand of douche-baggery.

Step 1- Shower her with attention so it hurts more when you pull it back a few weeks later

This is the sort of man-fatalle routine. Maybe it took a while to get her to go out with you, but now she does so she’s obviously into you. Take advantage. Tell her she’s the best girl you’ve ever met and you are overwhelmed with how cool she is. Compliment her from headband to high heels. Make sure she knows that you’ve never felt like this before. Then, slowly stop the steady flow of compliments. Honestly, who can keep up with that? Call with less frequency, and those text messages you’ve been sending telling her you hope she has a good day? Unnecessary. You’ve already got her, right? Even if she seems hurt, don’t say anything- you don’t want to have that conversation. Yikes. If she brings it up, turn the tables and say tell her she’s too demanding and you just can’t handle that kind of pressure. (more…)