Posts Tagged ‘News Humor’

Some News in Review

December 31, 2008

Today we’re going to cover a story that literally made me laugh out loud, and then uncontrollably respond with this statement: It’s about damn time.

A man in South Philadelphia shot another man for talking during a movie.

See? You couldn’t help but smile a little bit and wish you could covertly high five the shooter. Don’t lie to me. You feel a little vindicated. And let’s be clear – we here at The Talking Mirror don’t condone violence. Except in situations where it’s really funny or is obviously the best form of justice. This situation happens to qualify for both. He didn’t kill the guy, he just shot him in the arm. And he had yelled at him the whole time and had even “fired a warning shot,” which is to say he threw popcorn at the guy.42-16070641

How many times have you secretly wished you could do the same thing to some idiot who wouldn’t shut the hell up? This is a safe place. Let’s be vulnerable. I myself have had a few extended fantasies involving doing violence to people who talk during movies or kick my chair. Would I ever act on those fantasies? Of course not, I’m a civilized person and I’m not sure my snarky humor would get me very far in prison. But honestly, if you’re watching a movie in South Philly and some dude behind you is getting real pissed about you talking…. Maybe you should shut your mouth. It’s South Philly. It’s practically a real life version of Grand Theft Auto. If you decide to pull the “it’s a free country” card, then you need to realize that you might get shot. It is a free country, and that gentleman chose to use his freedom to shoot you and then get arrested. Was the conversation really worth it? I hope so, dumbass.


Some News in Review

December 6, 2008
Don't stare too long. She's contagious.

Don't stare too long. She's contagious.

Apparently Rosie O’Donnell’s “variety show” bombed after one episode. It might actually be news to you that she had a variety show in the first place. That’s probably because you’re in your right mind and would never give her a show unless the lives of all your loved ones depended on it, like on some episode of 24. The people who financed the production of her show, however, were obviously not in their right minds. Anyone could have told them that they could have used that money to fund a show that is worthwhile rather than giving Rosie “I-make-Charles-Manson-look-sane” O’Donnell a chance to liberally not make people laugh. This is a woman who got booted from The View, a show where women sit around and talk about things in womanly sorts of ways. You’d think that they’d be used to a little bit of crazy, what with a show that is essentially a cauldron filled with a mix of estrogen, menopause, and violently opposing opinions. Nay, says The View; Rosie O’Bonkers took it over the line like That Guy who thinks dead baby jokes are funny. “Yikes man,” we say to That Guy, “too much.”

Rest, my fellow Americans. Your fears of more exposure to Rosie’s harmful levels of lunacy are thus allayed. (more…)

Some News in Review

November 10, 2008

We appreciate you, our consistent readership. We really do. We don’t get paid for this, so your emotional support and monetary donations really do mean a lot to us. Specifically the monetary donations. Whenever anyone wants to start the trend by giving us one of those, that’d be fantastic. One of our (assumedly) faithful readers sent me an article and asked that The Talking Mirror make fun of it. I like that idea. So, let this be a notice to all of you other people reading this: if you find something that you think is ridiculous but you’re also kind of boring and aren’t good with jokes, post a comment with a link or the idea and we’ll see about verbally abusing that subject. After all, we could use the help. Kent and I can’t keep up with absolutely everything in the world all at once, especially with the legions of women constantly trying to get us to date them. Seriously. Legions.

Today we’re looking at an article from some snotty British news site about a lingerie set that comes fitted with a GPS tracking system. Apparently it has pissed off some feminist types because they think it’s like a modern chastity belt, saying “It’s nothing more than a chastity belt for insecure men.” There are lots of problems with this statement. First, let’s explain it. This lady is saying that men will buy this lingerie for their lady-friends so that they can keep tabs on them and make sure they’re not whoring around town Paris Hilton style. That’s understandable I guess. I mean, where’s the trust? The love? The prenuptial agreement? But here’s the problem with her argument: A chastity belt is meant to keep someone from having sex. Lingerie is worn to make a woman sexually appealing in order to promote sex. To say that a piece of sexy lingerie promotes chastity is kind of like saying a condom promotes abstinence. Doesn’t really make any sense. (more…)

Guest Editorial: Mellencamp Has Sealed the Election

November 4, 2008

Americans have quietly shivered through the last 21 months of election coverage waiting on a voice of reason and without compromise, a voice that speaks to the issues of small town America, a beer-swilling-hot-dog-munching voice of the Masses, a voice for the Workin’ Man to help guide their choice for President. Restless voter, your compass is nigh. In the crucial final days of the election cycle, singer/songwriter/poet/sage/workingman John Mellencamp has thrown his lot in with Senator Barack Obama of Illinois prompting polls and projections to adjust accordingly to unanimous favor of an Obama win.

In the wake of the Mellencamp announcement, a landslide victory for Senator Obama is now being projected as America takes its hand out of its collective pants, flips off the boob tube, and drinks its final draught of sweet Budweiser, that bastion of All-American-All-The-Way beer excellence, before saying “Damn it, this is my country. And John, I too was born in a small town. I can relate to that. Ergo, I can relate to you and what you’re saying and it sure sounds like what you’re saying, behind all those gerunds with dropped ‘g’s’ and acrimony toward ‘George Boosh,’ is that I should vote for a good ‘ol boy like Obama. Well, you’ve got it, John. Hell, on a thirty-plus year career of balls-to-the-wall, no-compromise, Heartland music, you’ve earned it.” (more…)

Some News in Review

October 16, 2008

I’ve heard a lot of crap about The New York Times being biased toward the “left” side of things. I usually don’t pay attention to that, really. I don’t live in New York and I don’t care about their Times. This article, however, has me fully convinced that The New York Times isn’t biased toward the left side, but rather the dumb as hell side.

It’s an article from their “Style and Fashion” section about dudes that love cats. Single dudes that love cats, more specifically. Contrary to stereotypes of single straight men with cats, the article attempts to portray these cat loving dudes as completely legit, secure, pillars of masculinity. They begin their exposition by giving us the example of a 37 year old guy who lives alone with his cat who loves video games and comics. He also ended his relationship with a woman because she was allergic to cats. He refers to his cat by saying “she’s my primary relationship.” Ladies, are you sold yet? Yeah, this guy is the man.

They then go on to quote a lady who makes a correlation between liking cats and being more highly evolved. It’s these less evolved “members of the species,” she says, that tend to abusing cats, women, and children. She must be some kind of evolutionary psychologist right? Some kind of expert on men, evolution, and animal preferences? “Definitely not!” says The New York Times, “We’d rather quote the founder of, a Ms. Stacy Mantle who owns a modest 18 cats.” Notice that she’s Ms. Mantle. They quote a cat lady about men. Real legit, NYT. Solid gold.

They go on to quote a survey that asked readers if real men owned cats or not. A whopping 84 percent said yes. Wow, impressive right? I mean, that’s a lot of percents. One of the respondents even went as far as to say “Only intelligent, aware, caring men love cats.” Dang, that cuts us dog lovers deep. I don’t love cats, I must be stupid, oblivious and selfish. Where did that survey come from, anyway? Oh, that makes sense. It came from Who the hell responds to surveys on Probably the same kind of people that start websites like That’s right. Cat ladies. (more…)