NEWS!: Students Protest the Rise of Student Protests

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Following a recent US News and World Report survey tracking the rise of campus activism, many Christian college students have taken to the streets to protest the “unchristianly divisive” practice of student protesting. Whether it’s global warming, global poverty, or African AIDS, left-swinging students can’t seem to get enough dissension on campus.

Christians, like Mary Davies, just can’t understand this derision. “Why can’t students accept the world the way God created it?” asks Davies, a library fiend and senior at Calvin. “Are we really to think that our plans for creation, or the poor, are better than God’s?”

Irate students march through campus expressing their displeasure with the increase in student activism.

Irate students march through campus expressing their displeasure with the increase in student activism.

After a recent student rally apparently seeking to save someone named “Darfur,” students protesting student protests created a scene warranting the attention of the Campus Police. As the rally moved from the quad to an outdoor acoustic bonfire session, many students held up signs saying: “Who made you God?” and “Jesus: ‘The poor will be with you always.'”

Seniors even orchestrated a chant more high pitched and angst ridden than your typical emo song. According to witnesses, Davies yelled out over a mega-phone “What do we want?!?” to a response of “Stability!!!” and Davies would again yell “When do we want it?!?” and the crowd would, again, yell “Whenever!!”

So impressed was the crowd with its coordinated yelling that it soon began singing a medley of songs in a round, including that one song where the men go “Let us adore” and then the women go “Let us adore” and then the men go “The everliving God” and then the women, again, go “The everliving God” and then the men again go “And render praise” and then the women, in a higher voice, go “And render praise” and so on. They also did most of Counting Crow’s Hard Candy album (except for that one song that goes really fast and the other one that cusses and those five that talk about alcohol).

Eventually, the whole protest was broken up after a student club called “A Piece of Peace” began throwing 4 day old bagels at the students protesting student protesters. According to a Piece spokesman, the group was enraged that the students protesting student protesters were not protesting protests more peacefully.

However, the courage of these Calvin Christians has inspired similar protests on campuses around the country.  Students hope that their marching, picketing, and organized chanting will bring an end to the sinful dissension of their peers and pave the way for the status quo to continue.

Graciously submitted under the pseudonym “Corporate McWeiner, Esq. Former diaper model, current recreational pharmacist, future minor deity in the Hindu pantheon.  Envied by men, desired by women, and universally loved by mother’s with daughters.  Ladies and gentlemen, Corporate McWeiner.

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