Author Archive

NEWS!: Students Protest the Rise of Student Protests

January 2, 2009

Following a recent US News and World Report survey tracking the rise of campus activism, many Christian college students have taken to the streets to protest the “unchristianly divisive” practice of student protesting. Whether it’s global warming, global poverty, or African AIDS, left-swinging students can’t seem to get enough dissension on campus.

Christians, like Mary Davies, just can’t understand this derision. “Why can’t students accept the world the way God created it?” asks Davies, a library fiend and senior at Calvin. “Are we really to think that our plans for creation, or the poor, are better than God’s?” (more…)

Advertisements

75% Off, 100% Insane: A Word on Clearance Shopping

December 30, 2008

holiday shoppingI have learned much in my first six months as a manager at a massive, multi-national retailer and most of it has little to do with running a retail establishment (I still know just more than nothing about that.)  A short list of the courses I have unwittingly audited could include: parent/child power struggles in a postmodern world, behavioral habits of non-high school graduates in the workplace, the creative ethics of America’s petty criminal class, and statistical correlations between discount vocabulary and purchasing trends.

While these are all fascinating studies, I’d like to spend our time today focusing on the fourth topic with special attention to the near-hypnotic effect the word “clearance” has on shoppers, particularly those of the female persuasion. (more…)

December 26th is a Great Day for a Break-up

December 26, 2008

My plan this afternoon was to write a painfully hilarious, staggeringly brilliant article that laid bare the frivolity of the Midwestern ethos through the symbolic milieu of stop sign right-of-way etiquette.  It would have been sweet, trust me.  Unfortunately for all of us, I was trying to write this post at the same Starbucks that a pair of local high schoolers had selected as the location for their breakup conversation.

I got as far as “If there’s one thing the Third World does right, it’s…” when I realized that any attempts at coherent thinking were futile.  Not wanting to waste my time or my vanilla latte, I will instead be describing for you the details of this star-crossed couple’s conversation and we shall see what universal truths we can extract from this unfolding human drama. (more…)

Who Needs Ice Caps?: A Word on Global Warming

December 19, 2008

global-warmingAs with most things not featured in the newspaper’s sports section or covered extensively on E! the Entertainment Channel, this whole Global Warming debacle perplexes me to no end.  So, it appears the earth is frantically trying to warm itself and a coalition of actors and former vice-presidents are trying desperately to stop it.  That part I get.  Polar bears are drowning.  Every time I turn on my car an endangered species goes extinct.  I’m supposed to turn off the lights if I’m going to be away from home for more than two weeks.  That all makes sense.  But what doesn’t make sense is why so many “people” have jumped ship and sided with The Environment in this battle royale for planetary supremacy.

The fact that I am staunchly opposed to recycling, organic fruit, fair trade coffee and all other kinds of science has little to do with me being either a Republican or a Christian.  Rather, it has to do with my comprehension of a simple truth that Al Gore and the other tree humpers have failed to grasp.  The fact of the matter is this: given the chance, The Environment will kill you and everyone you have ever cared for.  It has tried for centuries to wipe all memory of mankind from the face of the earth.  Millions upon millions of our ancestors have been slain by this terrible, misanthropic demon-spirit, and now that we’ve finally got it on the ropes, our celebrities and college professors are going all Clara Barton and nursing the monster back to health.  They, not global warming, must be stopped.  If these Benedict Arnolds are allowed to continue making PSAs, running for office, and driving hybrids, we run the risk of losing all the ground the internal combustion engine and the industrialization of China have gained for us. (more…)

This Is How We Do It: A Word on the Blagojevich Scandal

December 15, 2008

Over the past week we have received several requests from our faithful readers to comment on the recent Blagojevich blowout (or Blago-palooza as us native Illinoisians call it).  I was initially confused by these requests as I am not well-acquainted with what you kids refer to as “The News.”  I knew our governor had been arrested in college for public indecency and attempted sodomy, and I had heard that he was under investigation for the residual kickbacks he was receiving from the Chicago Black Sox scandal of 1919.  I had also read somewhere that he is the only elected official since Nero to have an approval rating of zero, but I had heard nothing of an investigation surrounding the selling of exorbitantly priced seats.

Naturally, I assumed this had something to do with [Hot] Rod’s pre-gubernatorial career as a distributor of high-end office chairs.  You can imagine my befuddlement when I stumbled upon this video that laid bare the whole sordid affair in just over 90 seconds.

My reaction to learning the truth went something like this: disgust, amusement, exhaustion, hunger, gluttony, regret, and then back to exhaustion.  You’ll notice that surprise is nowhere on that list.  This is because Rod Blagojevich is a politician in Illinois.  Corruption is what politicians in Illinois do.  If we waited around for a candidate with morals, democracy would be dead and Wisconsin would have conquered us years ago.  It’s like when that velociraptor in Jurassic Park eats that one dude.  Brutally violent?  Sure.  Awesome?  Absolutely.  Surprising?  Of course not.  That’s what velociraptors do, they eat people.   The same principle holds true with Illinois politics.  This is why I will not be surprised next year when it finally comes to light that Barack Obama has been running a South Side meth lab for the past half decade. (more…)