Posts Tagged ‘How to Cope’

How to Cope with Being Alone on New Years Eve: A Guide

December 29, 2008

December 31st is upon us and with it comes an evening of binge drinking, bad decisions, and then the declaration of resolutions to never again make those bad decisions. Some of us will go to a bar or club. Some will attend a party at a friend’s residence. Some will sit alone on their couch while they weep and drink themselves into oblivion. Still, some others will spend the evening with their families, pretending that playing Monopoly: Star Wars Edition with the younger cousins is “seriously super fun” and truthlessly declaring that “really Mom, there’s no where I’d rather be than with my family on New Years.” We know you’re a liar, and so does Jesus. Who wouldn’t want to kiss someone at midnight rather than hug their crazy Aunt Janie and then listen for thirty minutes while she tells you how she’s not going to eat Little Debbies this year because they give her gas? We love you crazy Aunt Janie, but you’re overweight and I don’t like to think about the gaseous products of your digestive processes. I’d rather be kissing a babe. Or a girl that was “kind of cute.” Or – to reference Kent’s sexist article about rating women’s attractiveness – maybe even a “3” if the lights were real dim and I had a few glasses of bubbly in my belly. Sound desperate? Maybe. Let’s just say this recession has effected a lot of economies.happy-new-year-hat-4

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How To Cope with Having a Bleeding Heart: A Guide

December 12, 2008

The world is a dark, mean, ugly place. If you ever have any doubts of that, just watch The Hills. It’s a show about beautiful rich people that MTV decided to make famous. Truly, there is no such thing as real justice. And that’s especially true with you, neoliberal kid.  Your heart is bleeding and you plan on drowning all the world’s bad dreams in your justicey lifeforce. I shouldn’t say drowning – that’s violent. You’re just going to talk about it until all the world’s problems get irritated and leave. That’s more fitting. While the rest of us simply accept/ignore the darker things in life, you wear them around your neck like a big, heavy, depressing necklace. But perhaps sometimes you’re not sure about how you direct the blood that is inevitably gushing out of your heart. Don’t cry. I’m here to help.

Step One: Wear the Correct Name Tag
Are you a neoliberal or a social democrat? Or are you just a democrat? Or are you a socialist? I’d avoid calling yourself just a “democrat”; that just makes you sound like an old timer. You’re more conscious than that. Your democracy needs an adjective. And you probably shouldn’t say “socialist” either. Sarah Palin would likely show up at your house and call all your friends terrorists. It really doesn’t matter which one of the other two you choose, though. They both sound cutting edge. (more…)

How to Cope with Being “Just Friends”: A Guide

December 2, 2008

This guide is going to be gender specific, but not because I’m sexist. That’s Kent, the other TTM founder/writer/bachelor extraordinaire. This guide is going to be gender specific because I am a dude, have always been a dude, and will always be a dude (barring some sort of horrifying punishment from God). I’m going to ASSume that this guide will be applicable to chicks too, but I’m sure that girl that put Kent in his place on that other article (Jen, you’re my hero!) will be able to tell me if I’m wrong or not. Here goes.

We’ve all been there before. There’s a girl. Let’s call her Michelle. That’s a hot name, but not like crazy, inaccessible hot. Michelle’s not just any girl. She’s smart, sweet, funny – gosh is she funny! – and caring. She’s an angel. When she came into your life, it’s like the sun was shining for the first time. And she’s a babe too, oh yes she is. She’s more beautiful than any woman you’ve ever seen, even in the movies or those Victoria’s Secret catalogs you stole from your sister. The two of you are inseparable. You hang out all the time, laughing, falling into piles of leaves, staring up at the stars as you talk about dreams of the future, and misreading each others signals and intentions. It’s just magical. You’re best friends, but you know that’s not all there is to it. Destiny put you two together when she sat next to you in math class/bumped into you at youth group/spilled a searing hot coffee on you at Starbucks, causing a piercing girl-scream to erupt from your mouth followed by an impressive repertoire of vulgarities. It was like something out of the movies; how could it end up as anything other than life-long love and the production of numerous fat, happy babies? You’re just biding your time until she looks longingly into your eyes and whispers “I want to know what love is. I want you to show me.” Oh man, how sweet that will be when it inevitably happens! But until then, how do you bide your time? (more…)

How to Cope with Being a Douche Bag- A Response to “How to Cope with Being a Crazy Girlfriend”

November 3, 2008

This little piece of bitter vitriol was provided by Gretchen Hoffman. In addition to providing some man-bashing that the ladies out there can resonate with, she also keeps our site “genderly balanced” by editing many of our articles in order to satisfy the terms of Kent’s sexual harassment suit. Thanks Gretchen.

All girls have a touch of crazy. Absolutely. No girl who is honest with herself will ever deny that. As for males… I might argue that their adverse characteristic is a touch of douche bag. Maybe you have taken this to a new, more awesome level. Maybe you sometimes wonder about the black murkiness of your soul, but who honestly has time to ask WWJD? You are what you are, so here is a coping guide for your special brand of douche-baggery.

Step 1- Shower her with attention so it hurts more when you pull it back a few weeks later

This is the sort of man-fatalle routine. Maybe it took a while to get her to go out with you, but now she does so she’s obviously into you. Take advantage. Tell her she’s the best girl you’ve ever met and you are overwhelmed with how cool she is. Compliment her from headband to high heels. Make sure she knows that you’ve never felt like this before. Then, slowly stop the steady flow of compliments. Honestly, who can keep up with that? Call with less frequency, and those text messages you’ve been sending telling her you hope she has a good day? Unnecessary. You’ve already got her, right? Even if she seems hurt, don’t say anything- you don’t want to have that conversation. Yikes. If she brings it up, turn the tables and say tell her she’s too demanding and you just can’t handle that kind of pressure. (more…)

How to Cope with Being a Crazy Girlfriend: A Guide

October 28, 2008

So you’re a crazy girlfriend. It’s not uncommon; everyone has a little bit of crazy in them, right? You’re just more liberated about that crazy, more expressive. That’s cool. Nobody is judging you, and if they are they just don’t understand.  But we understand. After all, what’s the problem with a taste of irrational psychosis every now and then? Keeps life interesting. Sometimes, though, we all run into situations where we’re just not sure what the craziest, most illogical response would be. Here are some suggestions on how to cope in those situations when you need some help releasing your inner Tazmanian Devil.

Let’s start off with the golden rule: When in Doubt, Assume He’s in Love with His Ex. No matter what the issue, your go-to strategy is always to somehow involve his ex-girlfriend in the situation. Maybe he liked her more than he likes you, maybe she’s got prettier hair than you, whatever. Just find a way to make it about him and her and not about you and him. He doesn’t have an ex-girlfriend? Make one up. Or just use that one girl. You know the one from that class? The one he’s always staring at? Yeah. That one. (more…)