December 26th is a Great Day for a Break-up

December 26, 2008 by

My plan this afternoon was to write a painfully hilarious, staggeringly brilliant article that laid bare the frivolity of the Midwestern ethos through the symbolic milieu of stop sign right-of-way etiquette.  It would have been sweet, trust me.  Unfortunately for all of us, I was trying to write this post at the same Starbucks that a pair of local high schoolers had selected as the location for their breakup conversation.

I got as far as “If there’s one thing the Third World does right, it’s…” when I realized that any attempts at coherent thinking were futile.  Not wanting to waste my time or my vanilla latte, I will instead be describing for you the details of this star-crossed couple’s conversation and we shall see what universal truths we can extract from this unfolding human drama. Read the rest of this entry »

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Mall Santas: An Exposé

December 24, 2008 by

Christmas comes but once a year, now it’s here, now it’s here. Christmas comes but once a year, tra la la la la. The arrival of the holiday season brings with it that most venerable of American institutions– the mall Santa Claus. After enjoying decades of favorable public opinion, the mall Santa Claus has taken a severe lashing in popularity as the checkered details of this trade emerge. The Santas owe their collective misfortune in large measure to charges of degeneracy, perversion, financial scandals, a string of tragic Tim Allen films about Santa Claus (largely associated with cash-mongering), degeneracy, and, increasingly, perversion.

But who are these oafish imposters? The Talking Mirror spoke with mall Santas across the country in an effort to uncover the lives behind the laps. In the process, we learned more than just the current state of the mall Santa Claus. We learned about the state of the economy, the nature of addiction, and maybe, just maybe, a little something about ourselves. Due to space restrictions, and the proclivity of most Santas for profane and offensive language, we have decided to print only one interview. However, one should be sufficient as each mall Santa is, at his core, identical to all the rest. Read the rest of this entry »

Ugg Boots: The Epilogue, Part Three

December 20, 2008 by

Continued from Part Two:

Conor smiled warmly, staring off into the distance as he basked in the triumphant knowledge of a villain, smote. And yet, despite the vivid memories he had of that bloody battle – memories which he relived on a daily basis with a proud half-smile, a head nod, and an imagined fist pound with Jesus and Lady Luck –  inside him an alarm was sounding ominously. Maybe he was ignoring it, or maybe it was being drowned out by the gleeful giggles of his relatively obese daughter as she ascended to dangerous heights on a swingset that could have the structural equivalent of a brain aneurysm at any moment. No matter what the agent, Conor had become deaf to the voice that was wailing inside him like an global warming protester, except less annoying and concerning a threat that was actually real.

“Conor, can you hear me?!” It pleaded desperately.

“Conor! Ugg boots have risen!”

He could hear the voice loud and clear in the back of his mind, almost as if it was behind him. Weird, he thought to himself, My inner monologues never sound that real. Read the rest of this entry »

Who Needs Ice Caps?: A Word on Global Warming

December 19, 2008 by

global-warmingAs with most things not featured in the newspaper’s sports section or covered extensively on E! the Entertainment Channel, this whole Global Warming debacle perplexes me to no end.  So, it appears the earth is frantically trying to warm itself and a coalition of actors and former vice-presidents are trying desperately to stop it.  That part I get.  Polar bears are drowning.  Every time I turn on my car an endangered species goes extinct.  I’m supposed to turn off the lights if I’m going to be away from home for more than two weeks.  That all makes sense.  But what doesn’t make sense is why so many “people” have jumped ship and sided with The Environment in this battle royale for planetary supremacy.

The fact that I am staunchly opposed to recycling, organic fruit, fair trade coffee and all other kinds of science has little to do with me being either a Republican or a Christian.  Rather, it has to do with my comprehension of a simple truth that Al Gore and the other tree humpers have failed to grasp.  The fact of the matter is this: given the chance, The Environment will kill you and everyone you have ever cared for.  It has tried for centuries to wipe all memory of mankind from the face of the earth.  Millions upon millions of our ancestors have been slain by this terrible, misanthropic demon-spirit, and now that we’ve finally got it on the ropes, our celebrities and college professors are going all Clara Barton and nursing the monster back to health.  They, not global warming, must be stopped.  If these Benedict Arnolds are allowed to continue making PSAs, running for office, and driving hybrids, we run the risk of losing all the ground the internal combustion engine and the industrialization of China have gained for us. Read the rest of this entry »

Pet Peeves for the Common Man

December 18, 2008 by

Nanny States, Part One: Smoking in Bars

I put “part one” in this title because I’m sure I’ll find some other issue that fits under the “Nanny State” title that defies all logic and good sense. For now, however, we’re only going to traverse the rocky crag that is “smoking in bars.”

Now I understand that many of you don’t like to smoke and don’t like being around smoke/smokers/fat people. I get that. I used to be in your camp. I’m not going to say “but then I saw the light” or anything ridiculous like that; instead I’ll say “but then I lived with some dudes that smoked a lot of cigarettes.” No fat people though. I’d never do that.

this man deserves the right to blow smoke in your face.

this man deserves the right to blow smoke in your face.

Read the rest of this entry »