Archive for the ‘Miscellaneous News’ Category

NEWS!: Students Protest the Rise of Student Protests

January 2, 2009

Following a recent US News and World Report survey tracking the rise of campus activism, many Christian college students have taken to the streets to protest the “unchristianly divisive” practice of student protesting. Whether it’s global warming, global poverty, or African AIDS, left-swinging students can’t seem to get enough dissension on campus.

Christians, like Mary Davies, just can’t understand this derision. “Why can’t students accept the world the way God created it?” asks Davies, a library fiend and senior at Calvin. “Are we really to think that our plans for creation, or the poor, are better than God’s?” (more…)


US Cuts Diplomatic Ties With Rest of World

December 9, 2008
This modified world map will be used in American classrooms beginning in January.

WASHINGTON DC (AP) – In a shocking announcement yesterday, the United States of America announced that it is officially severing all ties with the rest of the world after nearly two and a half centuries of peaceful coexistence on the same planet.

US officials cited egregious rudeness and worldwide ingratitude as primary reasons for the separation as well as the rising costs of “defending the rest of the world from itself.” (more…)

Some News in Review

December 6, 2008
Don't stare too long. She's contagious.

Don't stare too long. She's contagious.

Apparently Rosie O’Donnell’s “variety show” bombed after one episode. It might actually be news to you that she had a variety show in the first place. That’s probably because you’re in your right mind and would never give her a show unless the lives of all your loved ones depended on it, like on some episode of 24. The people who financed the production of her show, however, were obviously not in their right minds. Anyone could have told them that they could have used that money to fund a show that is worthwhile rather than giving Rosie “I-make-Charles-Manson-look-sane” O’Donnell a chance to liberally not make people laugh. This is a woman who got booted from The View, a show where women sit around and talk about things in womanly sorts of ways. You’d think that they’d be used to a little bit of crazy, what with a show that is essentially a cauldron filled with a mix of estrogen, menopause, and violently opposing opinions. Nay, says The View; Rosie O’Bonkers took it over the line like That Guy who thinks dead baby jokes are funny. “Yikes man,” we say to That Guy, “too much.”

Rest, my fellow Americans. Your fears of more exposure to Rosie’s harmful levels of lunacy are thus allayed. (more…)

Word on the (Wall) Street is…

November 24, 2008

Britney K.K.R. Goldstein-Carlyle – Market Gossip Columnist

OH. MY. GOSH. Ohmygosh ohmygosh ohmygosh.  Guess what?  Come on, just guess.  No, it’s always been pierced.  No, she already died.  No…oh my word, gross!  Okay fine, stop guessing.  I’ll just tell you: it’s like, official – Microsoft (MSFT; $33.68) and Yahoo (YHOO; $28.42) are calling off their merger!!!!  I know, right?!

So like, apparently a week before the big merge, Microsoft came over to Yahoo’s for a littler pre-merger due diligence, right, and Yahoo totally had Amazon (AMZN; $72.51) over seeing if it could get a better deal!  Amazon’s such a total skank.  I know – total dye job – check the roots.

So Microsoft’s devastated.  She’s doing revenge deals with everyone.  She’s worried he may have given her undervalued assets when they swapped liquidity.  He’s worried they may be the parent company of some subsidiary.  It’s, like, a really huge mess. (more…)

Congregation demands timetable for withdrawal from missionary

November 16, 2008

OMAHA, NB (AP) – The congregants of Westside Presbyterian Church have had enough. For the past four years they have faithfully supported Operation Mobilization missionary Jack Powell in his mission to the Middle East, and for the past four years they have stood by him through botched church plants, poorly punctuated Bible translations, and aimlessly wondering prayer walks. Having grown weary of the “blatant and inexcusable waste of time and tithes” displayed by Mr. Powell, influential churchgoers have begun calling for his immediate return from the region.

Mr. Powell shipped off for the Middle East in the spring of 2004 with the full endorsement of Executive Pastor Joe Munson, who used personal charisma and a recent viewing of Mel Gibson’s The  Passion to whip reluctant elders and parishioners into a proselytizing frenzy.

Longtime usher, Henry Theeson recalls the experience, “I was asleep for most of it, but I remember Pastor Munson blathering excitedly about journeying into spiritual deserts and storming the strongholds of Satan or some such nonsense. I thought he was talking about Nevada.”

Public opinion has turned sharply in the intervening years as Mr. Powell’s supposedly brief campaign has deteriorated into an interminable quagmire of language barriers and religious intolerance. (more…)