Posts Tagged ‘Humor’

75% Off, 100% Insane: A Word on Clearance Shopping

December 30, 2008

holiday shoppingI have learned much in my first six months as a manager at a massive, multi-national retailer and most of it has little to do with running a retail establishment (I still know just more than nothing about that.)  A short list of the courses I have unwittingly audited could include: parent/child power struggles in a postmodern world, behavioral habits of non-high school graduates in the workplace, the creative ethics of America’s petty criminal class, and statistical correlations between discount vocabulary and purchasing trends.

While these are all fascinating studies, I’d like to spend our time today focusing on the fourth topic with special attention to the near-hypnotic effect the word “clearance” has on shoppers, particularly those of the female persuasion. (more…)

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Ugg Boots: The Epilogue, Part Three

December 20, 2008

Continued from Part Two:

Conor smiled warmly, staring off into the distance as he basked in the triumphant knowledge of a villain, smote. And yet, despite the vivid memories he had of that bloody battle – memories which he relived on a daily basis with a proud half-smile, a head nod, and an imagined fist pound with Jesus and Lady Luck –  inside him an alarm was sounding ominously. Maybe he was ignoring it, or maybe it was being drowned out by the gleeful giggles of his relatively obese daughter as she ascended to dangerous heights on a swingset that could have the structural equivalent of a brain aneurysm at any moment. No matter what the agent, Conor had become deaf to the voice that was wailing inside him like an global warming protester, except less annoying and concerning a threat that was actually real.

“Conor, can you hear me?!” It pleaded desperately.

“Conor! Ugg boots have risen!”

He could hear the voice loud and clear in the back of his mind, almost as if it was behind him. Weird, he thought to himself, My inner monologues never sound that real. (more…)

Satan: I’ve got GM’s Bailout Right Here

December 15, 2008

Hey guys. The devil here. Just got done smoking some Camels with Tom Cruise and L. Ron Hubbard.

We were talking, and Tom said something that really resonated with me: “You know the world is going to hell in a handbasket when companies are begging the government for money left and right. Trust me, I know a lot about hell and handbaskets. And insane cults.” I heard that and I was all like, “yeah, you really do know a lot about those things.” And then Tom started foaming at the mouth, so we had to put him down.

That led me to a question: how come nobody has bothered asking me for a hand? Hello! My resources are… How should I say… Unlimited? So what if they were acquired in “dishonest ways” with “weeping and gnashing of teeth.” It’s not like the government is any better. Can I get an “amen?” Just kidding.

Anyway, if those GM CEO’s would just hop on their private jets and roll on out here to the 90210 where I live, I’d gladly give them a boost (don’t act surprised, you always knew I lived here). Inefficiency? Low quality? Blatant disregard for environmental issues? Zero new ideas in the past two decades? What more could a devil ask for in a car company? These are just the kinds of guys I want on my payroll. Besides, I need a new project. I’m getting bored running OPEC. (more…)

US Cuts Diplomatic Ties With Rest of World

December 9, 2008
final-world-map1
This modified world map will be used in American classrooms beginning in January.

WASHINGTON DC (AP) – In a shocking announcement yesterday, the United States of America announced that it is officially severing all ties with the rest of the world after nearly two and a half centuries of peaceful coexistence on the same planet.

US officials cited egregious rudeness and worldwide ingratitude as primary reasons for the separation as well as the rising costs of “defending the rest of the world from itself.” (more…)

Ugg Boots: The Epilogue, Part Two

December 7, 2008

Continued from Part One: Part Two, written by Zac Chastain

But deep in the darkness, the hateful heart beats on. The beast was wounded, but still its veins coursed with ink-black blood. While we sat licking ice cream cones and riding merri-go-rounds through the summer months, fattening ourselves on a deluded sense of safety, the monster regained itself. Pound for pound, it consumed the earth’s waste, gorging itself on Smirnoff Ice, Panera gourmet sandwiches, and crap from horses, in order to ascend once more…

It is November. A cold day, even for Texas. The romantics walking around in light fall jackets must bow to winter now. Their dream of some Indian summer long forgotten. Conor stands proudly beside that swing set he remembers now as if from another lifetime. His hands are in his pockets, he watches his daughter swing.  (more…)