Archive for the ‘Editorial/Commentary’ Category

Some News in Review

December 31, 2008

Today we’re going to cover a story that literally made me laugh out loud, and then uncontrollably respond with this statement: It’s about damn time.

A man in South Philadelphia shot another man for talking during a movie.

See? You couldn’t help but smile a little bit and wish you could covertly high five the shooter. Don’t lie to me. You feel a little vindicated. And let’s be clear – we here at The Talking Mirror don’t condone violence. Except in situations where it’s really funny or is obviously the best form of justice. This situation happens to qualify for both. He didn’t kill the guy, he just shot him in the arm. And he had yelled at him the whole time and had even “fired a warning shot,” which is to say he threw popcorn at the guy.42-16070641

How many times have you secretly wished you could do the same thing to some idiot who wouldn’t shut the hell up? This is a safe place. Let’s be vulnerable. I myself have had a few extended fantasies involving doing violence to people who talk during movies or kick my chair. Would I ever act on those fantasies? Of course not, I’m a civilized person and I’m not sure my snarky humor would get me very far in prison. But honestly, if you’re watching a movie in South Philly and some dude behind you is getting real pissed about you talking…. Maybe you should shut your mouth. It’s South Philly. It’s practically a real life version of Grand Theft Auto. If you decide to pull the “it’s a free country” card, then you need to realize that you might get shot. It is a free country, and that gentleman chose to use his freedom to shoot you and then get arrested. Was the conversation really worth it? I hope so, dumbass.


75% Off, 100% Insane: A Word on Clearance Shopping

December 30, 2008

holiday shoppingI have learned much in my first six months as a manager at a massive, multi-national retailer and most of it has little to do with running a retail establishment (I still know just more than nothing about that.)  A short list of the courses I have unwittingly audited could include: parent/child power struggles in a postmodern world, behavioral habits of non-high school graduates in the workplace, the creative ethics of America’s petty criminal class, and statistical correlations between discount vocabulary and purchasing trends.

While these are all fascinating studies, I’d like to spend our time today focusing on the fourth topic with special attention to the near-hypnotic effect the word “clearance” has on shoppers, particularly those of the female persuasion. (more…)

Pet Peeves for the Common Man

December 18, 2008

Nanny States, Part One: Smoking in Bars

I put “part one” in this title because I’m sure I’ll find some other issue that fits under the “Nanny State” title that defies all logic and good sense. For now, however, we’re only going to traverse the rocky crag that is “smoking in bars.”

Now I understand that many of you don’t like to smoke and don’t like being around smoke/smokers/fat people. I get that. I used to be in your camp. I’m not going to say “but then I saw the light” or anything ridiculous like that; instead I’ll say “but then I lived with some dudes that smoked a lot of cigarettes.” No fat people though. I’d never do that.

this man deserves the right to blow smoke in your face.

this man deserves the right to blow smoke in your face.


This Is How We Do It: A Word on the Blagojevich Scandal

December 15, 2008

Over the past week we have received several requests from our faithful readers to comment on the recent Blagojevich blowout (or Blago-palooza as us native Illinoisians call it).  I was initially confused by these requests as I am not well-acquainted with what you kids refer to as “The News.”  I knew our governor had been arrested in college for public indecency and attempted sodomy, and I had heard that he was under investigation for the residual kickbacks he was receiving from the Chicago Black Sox scandal of 1919.  I had also read somewhere that he is the only elected official since Nero to have an approval rating of zero, but I had heard nothing of an investigation surrounding the selling of exorbitantly priced seats.

Naturally, I assumed this had something to do with [Hot] Rod’s pre-gubernatorial career as a distributor of high-end office chairs.  You can imagine my befuddlement when I stumbled upon this video that laid bare the whole sordid affair in just over 90 seconds.

My reaction to learning the truth went something like this: disgust, amusement, exhaustion, hunger, gluttony, regret, and then back to exhaustion.  You’ll notice that surprise is nowhere on that list.  This is because Rod Blagojevich is a politician in Illinois.  Corruption is what politicians in Illinois do.  If we waited around for a candidate with morals, democracy would be dead and Wisconsin would have conquered us years ago.  It’s like when that velociraptor in Jurassic Park eats that one dude.  Brutally violent?  Sure.  Awesome?  Absolutely.  Surprising?  Of course not.  That’s what velociraptors do, they eat people.   The same principle holds true with Illinois politics.  This is why I will not be surprised next year when it finally comes to light that Barack Obama has been running a South Side meth lab for the past half decade. (more…)

Some News in Review

December 6, 2008
Don't stare too long. She's contagious.

Don't stare too long. She's contagious.

Apparently Rosie O’Donnell’s “variety show” bombed after one episode. It might actually be news to you that she had a variety show in the first place. That’s probably because you’re in your right mind and would never give her a show unless the lives of all your loved ones depended on it, like on some episode of 24. The people who financed the production of her show, however, were obviously not in their right minds. Anyone could have told them that they could have used that money to fund a show that is worthwhile rather than giving Rosie “I-make-Charles-Manson-look-sane” O’Donnell a chance to liberally not make people laugh. This is a woman who got booted from The View, a show where women sit around and talk about things in womanly sorts of ways. You’d think that they’d be used to a little bit of crazy, what with a show that is essentially a cauldron filled with a mix of estrogen, menopause, and violently opposing opinions. Nay, says The View; Rosie O’Bonkers took it over the line like That Guy who thinks dead baby jokes are funny. “Yikes man,” we say to That Guy, “too much.”

Rest, my fellow Americans. Your fears of more exposure to Rosie’s harmful levels of lunacy are thus allayed. (more…)