Archive for October, 2008

Satan: I Don’t Even Like Halloween

October 31, 2008

Hey everybody, Satan here. Don’t freak out. Reading this won’t make you go to hell or give you leprosy. Probably just a minor case of mouth herpes. Haha! Just kidding, should’ve seen your face. Anyway, I’m writing this article to clear my name of a few things. Nope, not talking about that time Billy Bentsen pantsed you in gym in 7th grade and everyone saw your equipment. That was all me. I possessed that kid, and it was hilarious. No, I’m writing to finally set the record straight about Halloween. It’s not my favorite holiday. I don’t even like it. It’s so tasteless, the kids with their scary masks going around pretending to be Dracula, annoying people for candy. One year, one of the demons put on one of those Scream masks and scared the hell out of me. (Irony intended!)
“Not funny, Randall” I said to him, and then I banished him to the Lake of Fire. (more…)

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Harmless Hobby or Predatory Pastime: A word on “People Watching”

October 30, 2008

Look at her sitting there, just popping her Bubblicious Gum (probably pink lemonade flavor, her favorite and mine), coyly twirling her fingers through her hair, while she waits to board her flight to Omaha. No wedding band.  About my age.  Definitely within the acceptable range (+/- 8 years). I’m loving that Baylor hoodie. Green does wonders for her skin tone. Isn’t Baylor almost a Christian school? Wait.  What’s this? Gooo! She’s reading Velvet Elvis! Jackpot. She likes Rob Bell. I like Jesus. Rob Bell likes Jesus. Nice. I wonder what she’s going to Omaha for (probably to break up with her deadbeat boyfriend). I wonder if she sees me standing here pretending to read the departure monitors (probably). I wonder if she wants me to keep her company (probably not). Why ruin a perfectly good relationship by actually meeting, right?

So tell me, how would you best classify the male protagonist in the previous scene?  A social misfit? A sad, lonely little man?  A creepy, potentially dangerous predator?  Wrong, wrong, and mostly wrong. He is nothing more than an overly-imaginative Everyman engaging in a bit of harmless people watching. (more…)

How to Cope with Being a Crazy Girlfriend: A Guide

October 28, 2008

So you’re a crazy girlfriend. It’s not uncommon; everyone has a little bit of crazy in them, right? You’re just more liberated about that crazy, more expressive. That’s cool. Nobody is judging you, and if they are they just don’t understand.  But we understand. After all, what’s the problem with a taste of irrational psychosis every now and then? Keeps life interesting. Sometimes, though, we all run into situations where we’re just not sure what the craziest, most illogical response would be. Here are some suggestions on how to cope in those situations when you need some help releasing your inner Tazmanian Devil.

Let’s start off with the golden rule: When in Doubt, Assume He’s in Love with His Ex. No matter what the issue, your go-to strategy is always to somehow involve his ex-girlfriend in the situation. Maybe he liked her more than he likes you, maybe she’s got prettier hair than you, whatever. Just find a way to make it about him and her and not about you and him. He doesn’t have an ex-girlfriend? Make one up. Or just use that one girl. You know the one from that class? The one he’s always staring at? Yeah. That one. (more…)

Joe the Moron Under Represented

October 27, 2008

As you all know very well, The Talking Mirror is a well respected news organization trusted by millions. That burden weighs heavily on our shoulders, so when we see injustice in the way other supposed “news” organizations are covering the upcoming election we feel called by Truth itself to speak out. This is one of those instances.

Ladies and gentlemen, you’ve probably heard a little bit from both sides about Joe Sixpack. I’m not sure why they’re so concerned with the vote of someone who is either an alcoholic or an ab model, but they just keep talking about him. You’ve probably also heard about Joe the Plumber. I thought they were talking about Bob the Builder’s friend or something, but apparently he’s some Mr. Clean look alike that said something about money and then punched communism in the junk. Well I can tell you who you haven’t heard about, you innocent patrons of the evil news organizations, victims of propagandistic exclusions: Joe the Moron. (more…)

Review – I saw “24: Ex Nihilo” and it was good

October 27, 2008

According to a Fox Network spokesman, the most patriotic network has recently completed work on a spin off of the popular action drama, 24. In an effort to gain an even stronger hold on the conservative evangelical demographic, the official network for the Republican Party set out to create a series that affirmed a literal creation in six 24 hour days.

The show, produced by Jerry Bruckheimer and Dr. James Dobson, is entitled 24: Ex Nihilo and stars Keifer Sutherland as Jack Bauer, the only begotten nephew of God. The show, slated for six seasons, will tell the story of Jack Bauer thwarting attempts by various parties to destroy creation. (more…)