Archive for November, 2008

Review: The Good Book – Abundant Drama, Ending Over-the-Top and Depressing

November 30, 2008

It’s the biggest best-seller the world has ever known and I had heard alot about it, so I figured I’d read a literary classic.  No, not Twilight (great read though), I’m talking about the Bible.

First of all, I was surprised by the gratuitous sex, booze, and blood that filled the first several chapters.  This mature content was completely inconsistent with the family friendly book that it professes to be (as indicated by the cute suburban family that adorned the book’s covered).

The second surprise was how hodge-podge the storylines were.  The author ties in multiple narratives, with each adding to the book’s larger mosaic.  This collage effect, however, is probably the book’s biggest weakness since it creates confusion and lacks fluidity.  The first and second half of the book are completely disjointed, and editorial influence lacks throughout, as evidenced by its voluminous length.  At one point, the author gets so desperate for material that he starts off the second half by repeating the same story four times under different male names. (more…)

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5.62: A word on scientific standards of sex-appeal

November 28, 2008

Like most guys out there, I consider it my God-given duty as a man to bring some objectivity to the world of physical attraction and sex-appeal.  If you ask the average male (i.e. me), he’ll tell you there are far too many emotional, inexact terms like “cute,” smokin,” “squirrely,” and “busty” floating around.  These terms do nothing but confuse us.  We can’t measure them, we can’t make comparisons.  How do I compare a “clinically insane” girl with a “medically unstable” one?  What does the term voluptuous mean? What is the distinction between a slammin hottie and a smokin one?

It is because of these ambiguities that men will do things like, for example, sit in a crowded cafeteria and ascribe numerical value to the relative attractiveness of passing females.  It’s not because we’re shallow, it’s because we’re scientists.  We need absolutes, we need facts, we need scales from 1-10.  It means nothing to us for someone say that our girlfriend possesses an above average level of physical appeal.  However, if we are told she is a 7.8 (possibly as high as an 8.3 in the summertime and on Sundays) our hearts swell with pride as we know once and for all that yes, she is hotter than Johnnie’s girlfriend. (more…)

Man it is hot in this oven!

November 26, 2008

By: A Turkey

Man, it is starting to get really warm in here, and this slick butter all over me is just making things worse. The metal grate doesn’t help either. Who just turned the light on? Ooh that stings the eyes. Something is happening.  Wait, who are you? What is that probe in your hand? Cease and desist I say! 200 degrees? What are you referring to? Don’t close that door!

Darkness again. Sweet Christmas it is getting quite sweltering. It feels as though my muscles are hardening and becoming crisp and buttery. What purpose does this lather serve? I see you out there human child, answer my questions! Open this door at once; it is growing unbearable inside this contraption.

Something smells delicious. Goodness it is scorching! When will the door be opened so I can leave this infernal sauna? The light returns! What is this metallic foil? It shines like the glow of a million suns! Blasted woman, keep the child’s hands away from me. I have seen what he does to the Teddy Bear, and I shall not permit such gropery!

What is that brush for? What are you lathering onto me? Oooh that feels rather pleasant. Could you funnel the runoff away from my unmentionable areas? I am talking to you! Do not close the door again! Ah! The darkness returns, and I remain trapped in this bathtub. Oh how this liquid invades me in unspeakable ways!

Sweet mother Mary it is getting hotter and hotter. Now what are you doing? Yes! Open the door and free me. No, wait, what are you stuffing into me? Oh how it is crispy! Do not close that door again! Where are you going? Something seems terribly wrong. The humans have vanished. What is that smell? Blast this infernal cave!

This delightful holiday fable was written by David Wilson McCloskey, and is reprinted here with permission from a previous publication.

Happy Thanksgiving from all your friends at The Talking Mirror! (And by “all” I mean Conor and myself.)

Satan: Yeah I Voted for Obama, Didn’t You?

November 25, 2008

Bonjour, Konnichiwa, and Hakuna Matata.  I trust you all are feeling sufficiently miserable during this preposterous holiday season.  I mean, for the love of David Koresh, what is all this day of thanks nonsense about anyway?  Seriously, do you people really have that much to be thankful for?  I can think of only three things: high definition television, Megan Fox, and gChat.  There you go. Say thank you and get back to suffering through your laughably-short lives filled with disappointment, heartbreak, sun burns, and hang nails.

But, what am I saying?  That’s not what you came here for.  Our time is brief (and by “our” I mean “your”) so lets get down to brass tacks.  As the Prince of Darkness and Commander-in-Chief of All Evil Forces Above and Below the Earth (CCAEFABE) people are constantly pestering me with all manner of trivial and uninteresting questions.  Did you invent the Dentist?  No, but he is a close friend.  Can one actually swim in the Lake of Fire?  Yes, from 12pm-8pm daily and from 8am-10pm on the weekends.  How do you feel about the way you are portrayed in popular literature and film?  Mostly ambivalent.  R.L. Stine probably came the closest to getting me right.

Yet more than anything, people are constantly inquiring about my political leanings.  People assume that, as the CCAEFABE, I have the ability to shape coup d’etats, military juntas, and prom queen elections to my liking.  This is true only in part.  Yes, I have been a registered voter for the past two and a half centuries, and yes, I often use movies like The Golden Compass and The Da Vinci Code to speak my message to the masses, but when it comes right down to it, I’m only one principality of the underworld, and my vote counts the same as yours.  (It counts slightly more than she-devil votes as she-devils are still regarded as only 3/5 of a demon.) (more…)

Word on the (Wall) Street is…

November 24, 2008

Britney K.K.R. Goldstein-Carlyle – Market Gossip Columnist

OH. MY. GOSH. Ohmygosh ohmygosh ohmygosh.  Guess what?  Come on, just guess.  No, it’s always been pierced.  No, she already died.  No…oh my word, gross!  Okay fine, stop guessing.  I’ll just tell you: it’s like, official – Microsoft (MSFT; $33.68) and Yahoo (YHOO; $28.42) are calling off their merger!!!!  I know, right?!

So like, apparently a week before the big merge, Microsoft came over to Yahoo’s for a littler pre-merger due diligence, right, and Yahoo totally had Amazon (AMZN; $72.51) over seeing if it could get a better deal!  Amazon’s such a total skank.  I know – total dye job – check the roots.

So Microsoft’s devastated.  She’s doing revenge deals with everyone.  She’s worried he may have given her undervalued assets when they swapped liquidity.  He’s worried they may be the parent company of some subsidiary.  It’s, like, a really huge mess. (more…)