Archive for the ‘Satire’ Category

NEWS!: Students Protest the Rise of Student Protests

January 2, 2009

Following a recent US News and World Report survey tracking the rise of campus activism, many Christian college students have taken to the streets to protest the “unchristianly divisive” practice of student protesting. Whether it’s global warming, global poverty, or African AIDS, left-swinging students can’t seem to get enough dissension on campus.

Christians, like Mary Davies, just can’t understand this derision. “Why can’t students accept the world the way God created it?” asks Davies, a library fiend and senior at Calvin. “Are we really to think that our plans for creation, or the poor, are better than God’s?” (more…)

Who Needs Ice Caps?: A Word on Global Warming

December 19, 2008

global-warmingAs with most things not featured in the newspaper’s sports section or covered extensively on E! the Entertainment Channel, this whole Global Warming debacle perplexes me to no end.  So, it appears the earth is frantically trying to warm itself and a coalition of actors and former vice-presidents are trying desperately to stop it.  That part I get.  Polar bears are drowning.  Every time I turn on my car an endangered species goes extinct.  I’m supposed to turn off the lights if I’m going to be away from home for more than two weeks.  That all makes sense.  But what doesn’t make sense is why so many “people” have jumped ship and sided with The Environment in this battle royale for planetary supremacy.

The fact that I am staunchly opposed to recycling, organic fruit, fair trade coffee and all other kinds of science has little to do with me being either a Republican or a Christian.  Rather, it has to do with my comprehension of a simple truth that Al Gore and the other tree humpers have failed to grasp.  The fact of the matter is this: given the chance, The Environment will kill you and everyone you have ever cared for.  It has tried for centuries to wipe all memory of mankind from the face of the earth.  Millions upon millions of our ancestors have been slain by this terrible, misanthropic demon-spirit, and now that we’ve finally got it on the ropes, our celebrities and college professors are going all Clara Barton and nursing the monster back to health.  They, not global warming, must be stopped.  If these Benedict Arnolds are allowed to continue making PSAs, running for office, and driving hybrids, we run the risk of losing all the ground the internal combustion engine and the industrialization of China have gained for us. (more…)

Satan: I’ve got GM’s Bailout Right Here

December 15, 2008

Hey guys. The devil here. Just got done smoking some Camels with Tom Cruise and L. Ron Hubbard.

We were talking, and Tom said something that really resonated with me: “You know the world is going to hell in a handbasket when companies are begging the government for money left and right. Trust me, I know a lot about hell and handbaskets. And insane cults.” I heard that and I was all like, “yeah, you really do know a lot about those things.” And then Tom started foaming at the mouth, so we had to put him down.

That led me to a question: how come nobody has bothered asking me for a hand? Hello! My resources are… How should I say… Unlimited? So what if they were acquired in “dishonest ways” with “weeping and gnashing of teeth.” It’s not like the government is any better. Can I get an “amen?” Just kidding.

Anyway, if those GM CEO’s would just hop on their private jets and roll on out here to the 90210 where I live, I’d gladly give them a boost (don’t act surprised, you always knew I lived here). Inefficiency? Low quality? Blatant disregard for environmental issues? Zero new ideas in the past two decades? What more could a devil ask for in a car company? These are just the kinds of guys I want on my payroll. Besides, I need a new project. I’m getting bored running OPEC. (more…)

This Is How We Do It: A Word on the Blagojevich Scandal

December 15, 2008

Over the past week we have received several requests from our faithful readers to comment on the recent Blagojevich blowout (or Blago-palooza as us native Illinoisians call it).  I was initially confused by these requests as I am not well-acquainted with what you kids refer to as “The News.”  I knew our governor had been arrested in college for public indecency and attempted sodomy, and I had heard that he was under investigation for the residual kickbacks he was receiving from the Chicago Black Sox scandal of 1919.  I had also read somewhere that he is the only elected official since Nero to have an approval rating of zero, but I had heard nothing of an investigation surrounding the selling of exorbitantly priced seats.

Naturally, I assumed this had something to do with [Hot] Rod’s pre-gubernatorial career as a distributor of high-end office chairs.  You can imagine my befuddlement when I stumbled upon this video that laid bare the whole sordid affair in just over 90 seconds.

My reaction to learning the truth went something like this: disgust, amusement, exhaustion, hunger, gluttony, regret, and then back to exhaustion.  You’ll notice that surprise is nowhere on that list.  This is because Rod Blagojevich is a politician in Illinois.  Corruption is what politicians in Illinois do.  If we waited around for a candidate with morals, democracy would be dead and Wisconsin would have conquered us years ago.  It’s like when that velociraptor in Jurassic Park eats that one dude.  Brutally violent?  Sure.  Awesome?  Absolutely.  Surprising?  Of course not.  That’s what velociraptors do, they eat people.   The same principle holds true with Illinois politics.  This is why I will not be surprised next year when it finally comes to light that Barack Obama has been running a South Side meth lab for the past half decade. (more…)

US Cuts Diplomatic Ties With Rest of World

December 9, 2008
final-world-map1
This modified world map will be used in American classrooms beginning in January.

WASHINGTON DC (AP) – In a shocking announcement yesterday, the United States of America announced that it is officially severing all ties with the rest of the world after nearly two and a half centuries of peaceful coexistence on the same planet.

US officials cited egregious rudeness and worldwide ingratitude as primary reasons for the separation as well as the rising costs of “defending the rest of the world from itself.” (more…)