Author Archive

Mommy, Wow! We’re Big Kids Now! (We’ve Moved…)

January 5, 2009

Friends, Family, Stalkers:

The moment has finally come. For those of you who’ve been with us since we first launched here on wordpress (which amounts to me, Kent, and our parents), you may remember that we originally called it “The Talking Mirror’s Transitional Home.” That’s because we never intended to be on wordpress.com permanently. And finally, thanks to some generous help from our good friend Isaac, we have a legitimate website at a legitimate domain: www.thetalkingmirror.com

So, if you’re prone to reminiscing or romanticizing the past, you can keep coming back here to the wordpress.com site. Maybe browse through some articles that you love, remembering where you were, who you were with, or the food and drink you spat out all over your laptop when you laughed. We encourage you to remember the good old days. And, moreover, we encourage you to remember us as funnier and better looking than we actually are. They’re your memories, why not make them better than crappy reality? It’s just an idea. However, you can also thumb through those magical memories over at the new site, as all of the old content is there including your comments from days past.

Kent and I are quite happy to finally be moving over to a legitimate site. It’s been a long time coming, as many of my friends can attest, having heard me piss and moan about it for months. The new site delivers a sleeker look, more pictures, easier navigation, and some new features still to come. A little preview: a word that starts with “V” and rhymes with “schmideo.” And we’re also planning on peddling merchandise to you, likely at prices that will make us millionares.

So, if you want any new content you’re going to have to go there. This wordpress site will now be ignored like the uglier, dumber child that it is.

Thanks to everyone that has been a part of The Talking Mirror so far. We look forward to bringing you sardonic, hyperbolic, semi-offensive content forever and ever, Amen.

Patriotically,

Conor and Kent

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Some News in Review

December 31, 2008

Today we’re going to cover a story that literally made me laugh out loud, and then uncontrollably respond with this statement: It’s about damn time.

A man in South Philadelphia shot another man for talking during a movie.

See? You couldn’t help but smile a little bit and wish you could covertly high five the shooter. Don’t lie to me. You feel a little vindicated. And let’s be clear – we here at The Talking Mirror don’t condone violence. Except in situations where it’s really funny or is obviously the best form of justice. This situation happens to qualify for both. He didn’t kill the guy, he just shot him in the arm. And he had yelled at him the whole time and had even “fired a warning shot,” which is to say he threw popcorn at the guy.42-16070641

How many times have you secretly wished you could do the same thing to some idiot who wouldn’t shut the hell up? This is a safe place. Let’s be vulnerable. I myself have had a few extended fantasies involving doing violence to people who talk during movies or kick my chair. Would I ever act on those fantasies? Of course not, I’m a civilized person and I’m not sure my snarky humor would get me very far in prison. But honestly, if you’re watching a movie in South Philly and some dude behind you is getting real pissed about you talking…. Maybe you should shut your mouth. It’s South Philly. It’s practically a real life version of Grand Theft Auto. If you decide to pull the “it’s a free country” card, then you need to realize that you might get shot. It is a free country, and that gentleman chose to use his freedom to shoot you and then get arrested. Was the conversation really worth it? I hope so, dumbass.

How to Cope with Being Alone on New Years Eve: A Guide

December 29, 2008

December 31st is upon us and with it comes an evening of binge drinking, bad decisions, and then the declaration of resolutions to never again make those bad decisions. Some of us will go to a bar or club. Some will attend a party at a friend’s residence. Some will sit alone on their couch while they weep and drink themselves into oblivion. Still, some others will spend the evening with their families, pretending that playing Monopoly: Star Wars Edition with the younger cousins is “seriously super fun” and truthlessly declaring that “really Mom, there’s no where I’d rather be than with my family on New Years.” We know you’re a liar, and so does Jesus. Who wouldn’t want to kiss someone at midnight rather than hug their crazy Aunt Janie and then listen for thirty minutes while she tells you how she’s not going to eat Little Debbies this year because they give her gas? We love you crazy Aunt Janie, but you’re overweight and I don’t like to think about the gaseous products of your digestive processes. I’d rather be kissing a babe. Or a girl that was “kind of cute.” Or – to reference Kent’s sexist article about rating women’s attractiveness – maybe even a “3” if the lights were real dim and I had a few glasses of bubbly in my belly. Sound desperate? Maybe. Let’s just say this recession has effected a lot of economies.happy-new-year-hat-4

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Mall Santas: An Exposé

December 24, 2008

Christmas comes but once a year, now it’s here, now it’s here. Christmas comes but once a year, tra la la la la. The arrival of the holiday season brings with it that most venerable of American institutions– the mall Santa Claus. After enjoying decades of favorable public opinion, the mall Santa Claus has taken a severe lashing in popularity as the checkered details of this trade emerge. The Santas owe their collective misfortune in large measure to charges of degeneracy, perversion, financial scandals, a string of tragic Tim Allen films about Santa Claus (largely associated with cash-mongering), degeneracy, and, increasingly, perversion.

But who are these oafish imposters? The Talking Mirror spoke with mall Santas across the country in an effort to uncover the lives behind the laps. In the process, we learned more than just the current state of the mall Santa Claus. We learned about the state of the economy, the nature of addiction, and maybe, just maybe, a little something about ourselves. Due to space restrictions, and the proclivity of most Santas for profane and offensive language, we have decided to print only one interview. However, one should be sufficient as each mall Santa is, at his core, identical to all the rest. (more…)

Ugg Boots: The Epilogue, Part Three

December 20, 2008

Continued from Part Two:

Conor smiled warmly, staring off into the distance as he basked in the triumphant knowledge of a villain, smote. And yet, despite the vivid memories he had of that bloody battle – memories which he relived on a daily basis with a proud half-smile, a head nod, and an imagined fist pound with Jesus and Lady Luck –  inside him an alarm was sounding ominously. Maybe he was ignoring it, or maybe it was being drowned out by the gleeful giggles of his relatively obese daughter as she ascended to dangerous heights on a swingset that could have the structural equivalent of a brain aneurysm at any moment. No matter what the agent, Conor had become deaf to the voice that was wailing inside him like an global warming protester, except less annoying and concerning a threat that was actually real.

“Conor, can you hear me?!” It pleaded desperately.

“Conor! Ugg boots have risen!”

He could hear the voice loud and clear in the back of his mind, almost as if it was behind him. Weird, he thought to himself, My inner monologues never sound that real. (more…)