This Is How We Do It: A Word on the Blagojevich Scandal

Over the past week we have received several requests from our faithful readers to comment on the recent Blagojevich blowout (or Blago-palooza as us native Illinoisians call it).  I was initially confused by these requests as I am not well-acquainted with what you kids refer to as “The News.”  I knew our governor had been arrested in college for public indecency and attempted sodomy, and I had heard that he was under investigation for the residual kickbacks he was receiving from the Chicago Black Sox scandal of 1919.  I had also read somewhere that he is the only elected official since Nero to have an approval rating of zero, but I had heard nothing of an investigation surrounding the selling of exorbitantly priced seats.

Naturally, I assumed this had something to do with [Hot] Rod’s pre-gubernatorial career as a distributor of high-end office chairs.  You can imagine my befuddlement when I stumbled upon this video that laid bare the whole sordid affair in just over 90 seconds.

My reaction to learning the truth went something like this: disgust, amusement, exhaustion, hunger, gluttony, regret, and then back to exhaustion.  You’ll notice that surprise is nowhere on that list.  This is because Rod Blagojevich is a politician in Illinois.  Corruption is what politicians in Illinois do.  If we waited around for a candidate with morals, democracy would be dead and Wisconsin would have conquered us years ago.  It’s like when that velociraptor in Jurassic Park eats that one dude.  Brutally violent?  Sure.  Awesome?  Absolutely.  Surprising?  Of course not.  That’s what velociraptors do, they eat people.   The same principle holds true with Illinois politics.  This is why I will not be surprised next year when it finally comes to light that Barack Obama has been running a South Side meth lab for the past half decade.