Archive for December, 2008

Ugg Boots: The Epilogue, Part Three

December 20, 2008

Continued from Part Two:

Conor smiled warmly, staring off into the distance as he basked in the triumphant knowledge of a villain, smote. And yet, despite the vivid memories he had of that bloody battle – memories which he relived on a daily basis with a proud half-smile, a head nod, and an imagined fist pound with Jesus and Lady Luck –  inside him an alarm was sounding ominously. Maybe he was ignoring it, or maybe it was being drowned out by the gleeful giggles of his relatively obese daughter as she ascended to dangerous heights on a swingset that could have the structural equivalent of a brain aneurysm at any moment. No matter what the agent, Conor had become deaf to the voice that was wailing inside him like an global warming protester, except less annoying and concerning a threat that was actually real.

“Conor, can you hear me?!” It pleaded desperately.

“Conor! Ugg boots have risen!”

He could hear the voice loud and clear in the back of his mind, almost as if it was behind him. Weird, he thought to himself, My inner monologues never sound that real. (more…)


Who Needs Ice Caps?: A Word on Global Warming

December 19, 2008

global-warmingAs with most things not featured in the newspaper’s sports section or covered extensively on E! the Entertainment Channel, this whole Global Warming debacle perplexes me to no end.  So, it appears the earth is frantically trying to warm itself and a coalition of actors and former vice-presidents are trying desperately to stop it.  That part I get.  Polar bears are drowning.  Every time I turn on my car an endangered species goes extinct.  I’m supposed to turn off the lights if I’m going to be away from home for more than two weeks.  That all makes sense.  But what doesn’t make sense is why so many “people” have jumped ship and sided with The Environment in this battle royale for planetary supremacy.

The fact that I am staunchly opposed to recycling, organic fruit, fair trade coffee and all other kinds of science has little to do with me being either a Republican or a Christian.  Rather, it has to do with my comprehension of a simple truth that Al Gore and the other tree humpers have failed to grasp.  The fact of the matter is this: given the chance, The Environment will kill you and everyone you have ever cared for.  It has tried for centuries to wipe all memory of mankind from the face of the earth.  Millions upon millions of our ancestors have been slain by this terrible, misanthropic demon-spirit, and now that we’ve finally got it on the ropes, our celebrities and college professors are going all Clara Barton and nursing the monster back to health.  They, not global warming, must be stopped.  If these Benedict Arnolds are allowed to continue making PSAs, running for office, and driving hybrids, we run the risk of losing all the ground the internal combustion engine and the industrialization of China have gained for us. (more…)

Pet Peeves for the Common Man

December 18, 2008

Nanny States, Part One: Smoking in Bars

I put “part one” in this title because I’m sure I’ll find some other issue that fits under the “Nanny State” title that defies all logic and good sense. For now, however, we’re only going to traverse the rocky crag that is “smoking in bars.”

Now I understand that many of you don’t like to smoke and don’t like being around smoke/smokers/fat people. I get that. I used to be in your camp. I’m not going to say “but then I saw the light” or anything ridiculous like that; instead I’ll say “but then I lived with some dudes that smoked a lot of cigarettes.” No fat people though. I’d never do that.

this man deserves the right to blow smoke in your face.

this man deserves the right to blow smoke in your face.


Satan: I’ve got GM’s Bailout Right Here

December 15, 2008

Hey guys. The devil here. Just got done smoking some Camels with Tom Cruise and L. Ron Hubbard.

We were talking, and Tom said something that really resonated with me: “You know the world is going to hell in a handbasket when companies are begging the government for money left and right. Trust me, I know a lot about hell and handbaskets. And insane cults.” I heard that and I was all like, “yeah, you really do know a lot about those things.” And then Tom started foaming at the mouth, so we had to put him down.

That led me to a question: how come nobody has bothered asking me for a hand? Hello! My resources are… How should I say… Unlimited? So what if they were acquired in “dishonest ways” with “weeping and gnashing of teeth.” It’s not like the government is any better. Can I get an “amen?” Just kidding.

Anyway, if those GM CEO’s would just hop on their private jets and roll on out here to the 90210 where I live, I’d gladly give them a boost (don’t act surprised, you always knew I lived here). Inefficiency? Low quality? Blatant disregard for environmental issues? Zero new ideas in the past two decades? What more could a devil ask for in a car company? These are just the kinds of guys I want on my payroll. Besides, I need a new project. I’m getting bored running OPEC. (more…)

This Is How We Do It: A Word on the Blagojevich Scandal

December 15, 2008

Over the past week we have received several requests from our faithful readers to comment on the recent Blagojevich blowout (or Blago-palooza as us native Illinoisians call it).  I was initially confused by these requests as I am not well-acquainted with what you kids refer to as “The News.”  I knew our governor had been arrested in college for public indecency and attempted sodomy, and I had heard that he was under investigation for the residual kickbacks he was receiving from the Chicago Black Sox scandal of 1919.  I had also read somewhere that he is the only elected official since Nero to have an approval rating of zero, but I had heard nothing of an investigation surrounding the selling of exorbitantly priced seats.

Naturally, I assumed this had something to do with [Hot] Rod’s pre-gubernatorial career as a distributor of high-end office chairs.  You can imagine my befuddlement when I stumbled upon this video that laid bare the whole sordid affair in just over 90 seconds.

My reaction to learning the truth went something like this: disgust, amusement, exhaustion, hunger, gluttony, regret, and then back to exhaustion.  You’ll notice that surprise is nowhere on that list.  This is because Rod Blagojevich is a politician in Illinois.  Corruption is what politicians in Illinois do.  If we waited around for a candidate with morals, democracy would be dead and Wisconsin would have conquered us years ago.  It’s like when that velociraptor in Jurassic Park eats that one dude.  Brutally violent?  Sure.  Awesome?  Absolutely.  Surprising?  Of course not.  That’s what velociraptors do, they eat people.   The same principle holds true with Illinois politics.  This is why I will not be surprised next year when it finally comes to light that Barack Obama has been running a South Side meth lab for the past half decade. (more…)